It’s been a while since I’ve put fingers to keyboard with the purpose of “organizing” my mind’s ponderings. For so long now, I’ve been telling myself repeatedly “I need to make something of my thoughts, and this blog!” But, just as easy as I come across those words do I find myself putting it off because I think I don’t know what to say or what order to say them in. Sounds similar to my journey towards better health. Well, here goes nothing.
I thank the middle school girls’ volleyball team that I coach at the school where I teach for tonight’s topic: Motivation. As teachers, we sometimes think our students never listen to a word we say (exceptions to the rule: recess, lunch, treat, no homework, time to go home, do I need to call your parent(s)). Well, maybe we’re sometimes wrong. In the midst of our last pep-talk before we took the court, as I’m sharing some of my profoundly wise words that are sure to guide my team on to victory, one of the 6th grade girls pipes up and says “This is kind of like that one writing assignment we had today.” Now, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t give her this look of bewilderment with “and this has to do with volleyball how?” on the tip of my tongue. But, I let her keep explaining – “Do you remember what we needed to write about? What motivates us. That’s just it – we need to think about that now. What motivates you?” As a teacher, I was proud of her application (and her ability to recall “what did you do in school today?”) of that assignment to real life. As a coach, it fueled a valid point for her teammates that ended up being our driving question throughout the match (that we won, by the way). As a human being with struggles of my own, it gave me thought. What motivates ME?
What motivated me for so long when I began my journey to better health over a year ago was the vision of better health – feeling better physically and mentally. Loving myself unconditionally. Underneath all of this exterior “fluff” is an athlete at heart who grew up watching her siblings play sports, watching sports on TV (what else was there, well that is until I discovered what was the amazing Saved By The Bell), and then playing sports myself. With that being said, that competitor in me was the voice that pushed me to sign up for the 2011 Detroit Free Press Half-Marathon, having no running experience whatsoever and having weighed at that time nearly 375 pounds. From February of 2011 until race day, I thought about that race every single day. It WAS a huge motivating factor. Then Monday, October 17th 2011 hit. The day after the race. What now? I’d accomplished such a huge feat (for me) and finished my first half-marathon. But now what? If I had to look back and pinpoint a moment that has held me back over these last few months, oddly enough, it’s one of the greatest moments that I’ve ever had in my life. Go figure. Or maybe it’s the stigma of a finish line. There is no finish line in life. Even when we pass on, our eternal lives are just beginning. So why let one event’s end be a hurdle in the continuation of another?
So here I am, March 27th at 10:45pm still wondering “what’s my motivation?” Well, I’ll be honest. I still struggle with this and at times, I don’t have a definitive answer for myself. Is it the teenager in me that’s dying to prove that I’m not worthy of any school-age teasing and ridicule? Is it the athlete in me that’s certain that deep down, I’m dying to make the game winning play? Is it the little girl in me who’s never given up and believes that dreams do come true (this includes finding prince charming)? Or is it me? Am I my own motivation?
I think over these last few months when I’ve just hovered around the same weight (down a little, up a little, up a little more, down a smidge ….) I’ve not thought enough about WHY I’m on this journey to begin with and, just as my young athlete questioned her teammates, what motivates me. The problem with me, if this is a problem, is that I’m a very visual person. I learn by seeing and I can see everything in how it should be in the future. I visualize it and make a realistic mental image of how it should all play out …. and then I stall out. I can create the vision in my mind, but putting it in to practice is a whole other scenario. I am my own problem just as much as I am my own motivation. So I must ask myself - What motivates me right now? It’s not “finishing” what I’ve started but “continuing” what I’m destined to do. What motivates me right now? Not being in my own way. It’s true what they say – we’re our own worst enemies. I’m motivated to finally stop getting in my way. What motivates you?
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