*Please note, this blog contains a picture that you may or may not really want/care to see. So I figured I’d warn you now. It’s about half of the way in to my post. And the picture offends anyone, I apologize. But it’s reality. My reality.*
I really miss wearing jeans. I still wear them, but it’s truly a love/hate relationship as nothing says “love” quite like a button making a clear indentation into your “flub”. Speaking of which, although my “below the belly button flub” will be sucked in post zip, all it does is push it up and make my “above the belly button flub” stick out even more. I hate it. I truly do. Please tell me somebody understands what kind of torture I’m speaking of! Sometimes I try to put jean-wearing in to perspective: “Heather, you could be forced to wear a pleated skirt right now, which would undoubtedly give you chub rub on your inner thighs” or “Remember Heather, you could be wearing nothing at all right now!” But then again, even perspective and a whole lot of spandex waists can only take you so far. I miss wearing jeans.
Recently I stopped by to visit one of my good friend’s, Lane Bryant. The ONLY thing I was in there for were jeans, so I headed straight for the overpriced denim section in hopes of finding something to fit my "flabulous" needs. I wasn’t very optimistic, but I grabbed a few pairs and found my way to the fitting room. Now ladies (and if you’re a frequent shopper of LB, you may be able to relate to this), what in the heck is the deal with their color coding for jeans? They’ve had it for some time, and I’m just gonna keep it real …. NONE of the colors work for my body! Blues are an absolute no-no as I’m not super curvaceous. Reds fit fine at first, until an hour or two in to wearing them and suddenly it appears I have a large dump in my pants (major sag factor). And the yellows? HA! Realistically, that probably should be my color-coded jean of choice, however putting them on is like putting on leggings …… made of no spandex or elastic. Complete joke. But I digress …. So I’m trying on these jeans, color-coded by Rainbow Brite, and NONE of them worked. It wasn’t even that I couldn’t fit in to any of them, it was just that they made me feel absolutely positively wretched. I had those jeans on for less than a minute and it felt like a century – a century of feeling absolutely worthless. When I had those jeans on, I can honestly say I hated myself. How could an inanimate object such as jeans give so much life to the emotions I feel towards myself and my worth? Simple. It just did. Any of the good I’ve done in the past, in that moment, was out the window. All I could focus mentally on was how absolutely horribly disgusting I felt physically with all of my pathetic, deplorable fat pushed up, making me feel as though I was suffocating in my own obesity. I am suffocating.
Recently I stopped by to visit one of my good friend’s, Lane Bryant. The ONLY thing I was in there for were jeans, so I headed straight for the overpriced denim section in hopes of finding something to fit my "flabulous" needs. I wasn’t very optimistic, but I grabbed a few pairs and found my way to the fitting room. Now ladies (and if you’re a frequent shopper of LB, you may be able to relate to this), what in the heck is the deal with their color coding for jeans? They’ve had it for some time, and I’m just gonna keep it real …. NONE of the colors work for my body! Blues are an absolute no-no as I’m not super curvaceous. Reds fit fine at first, until an hour or two in to wearing them and suddenly it appears I have a large dump in my pants (major sag factor). And the yellows? HA! Realistically, that probably should be my color-coded jean of choice, however putting them on is like putting on leggings …… made of no spandex or elastic. Complete joke. But I digress …. So I’m trying on these jeans, color-coded by Rainbow Brite, and NONE of them worked. It wasn’t even that I couldn’t fit in to any of them, it was just that they made me feel absolutely positively wretched. I had those jeans on for less than a minute and it felt like a century – a century of feeling absolutely worthless. When I had those jeans on, I can honestly say I hated myself. How could an inanimate object such as jeans give so much life to the emotions I feel towards myself and my worth? Simple. It just did. Any of the good I’ve done in the past, in that moment, was out the window. All I could focus mentally on was how absolutely horribly disgusting I felt physically with all of my pathetic, deplorable fat pushed up, making me feel as though I was suffocating in my own obesity. I am suffocating.
I will admit, sometimes when I try something on in the dressing room, even though I’m disgusted with myself when things don’t fit or look right due to my size, I will stand there and look at myself in the mirror for a few moments. I’m not admiring anything but possibly, subconsciously, trying to place that image in my mind of what I loathe, the look of discomfort and/or suffocation. This time, however, I surprised even myself. I went in to my purse, grabbed my phone, and opened it up to the camera. And from there, I took this pic:
Some of you may have glanced at that pic and saw yourselves. You may have even suddenly felt suffocated. And then again, some of you maybe have looked and seen nothing but a fat girl to feel sorry for. But there is no reason to feel sorry for that which you don’t understand. You see, although I will never claim to know what it’s like to walk in the shoes of another, please never tell me you know what it’s like to walk in mine in order to be sympathetic to my “issues.” It’s ok to not understand. You see, I’m fat. And I’ve been fighting this demon for years. Some years I’m used to it, and some years I’m sick of it. Last year I decided to stand up to it, and so far this year I’ve felt afraid of it. But never assume you know what this feels like unless you’ve truly been “there” (wherever “there” is). Some people feel they’ve all the answers. But if answers came that easily, that picture wouldn’t exist. “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!” That’s a crock. Because if all you know of is how good a piece of chocolate cake with buttercream frosting tastes, because you’ve never “tasted” skinny, then you’re gonna go with what you know, right?
What do I do with this picture; I’m still trying to figure that out. What compelled me to share it? I don't exactly know because coming from the girl with an extensive BLACK wardrobe, this is something way out of my element. Maybe I wanted to make myself vulnerable so that some of you could have a glimpse of my reality. Perhaps someone out there might be feeling something similar in their own lives and, after seeing my reality, might not feel so alone. One of my biggest fears in life is to drown. Yet, what I'm not even realizing is that for so long over many, many years .... I've been drowning myself. I pray that this picture can act as a daily reminder of those exact feelings of disgust that I felt while trying those jeans on. It's time to come up for air.
