The clear winner this past Saturday, besides my valiant efforts to keep my running jacket from creeping up above the flub-line mid-stride or from being so "in the zone" that I did not hear the whistles and voices saying to "stay to your right!" as the half-marathon leader was about to pass me, was bodyglide. I did not have one millimeter of chafe-ocity on any part of my inner-thigh region. It was almost as glorious as hearing the man on the stadium loudspeaker say my name as I neared the finish line. Yes, my thighs are singing the glories to a higher power this weekend thanks to the greatest invention since KitKat bites and central air. But it's not just my thighs that feel in love with the impossible this weekend. It was me, too.
See this past Saturday, I turned my impossible to I'Mpossible. Some might look at it as turning anthills in to molehills, or lemons in to lemonade .... but I turned my mind in to a believer. Let's flashback, shall we? ....
Memorial weekend 2010 - My sister in law was going to participate in her first half-marathon. My mom and I decided "sure, let's go up north that weekend and cheer her on!" So we did. We went from cheerpoint to cheerpoint along the course, and it was at the second cheerpoint where I realized "holy cow, look at this. People are cheering as runners, joggers, walkers pass by. They don't even know who some of these people are and they're still cheering them on. That's crazy! That's fun. That's inspirational. Whoa." Then I experienced the finish-line. Talk about a double-rainbow experience (see youtube "double rainbow guy"). Later that afternoon we were all sitting around the outdoor pool at our hotel, enjoying the beautiful weather, when I told my sister-in-law "I think I want to do that next year." I mean those were the words coming out of the mouth of a girl who has NEVER considered running in circles or from point A to point B as anything remotely enjoyable. Was it a moment of verbal insanity? Was I secretly speaking for the skinny man across the pool who was already wearing spandex and looked to have no problem with friction between the legs? Nope, I was speaking for myself. The girl that was at that time (and for some time after) on the verge of being too big for even the biggest sizes at Lane Bryant.
Well that summer I tried to get myself going physically, and although I started eating better (I had joined WW) and working out, something didn't seem right. It didn't feel like my journey just yet. But by December I was physically feeling the worst I've ever felt in my life. The highest weight I was at (that I was even aware of) was 360 and it doesn't take a genius to realize that rounds up to 400, not 300. Something had to change. Enter December 31st. This 360+ pound lady was making some resolutions. I signed up for two races - 10K and a half-marathon. Are you nuts Heather? I mean somebody take this girl's temperature. She's clearly not thinking straight. But I was thinking straight, probably for the first time in a long time. We've all heard Bob and Jillian mention that the journey can't start until you're ready mentally. It's true. I've fought with myself to start losing weight for years. But you start to contemplate that if you're gonna fight for something, why not fight for what you're worth.
So here we were, this past weekend, 50 pounds lighter since I started my weight loss journey back in February, ready to tackle that first weight loss milestone - the 10K that a year ago I had told myself I would participate in. The night before the race I was a nervous wreck. I had gone to pick up my race number etc and while walking through mobs of people I felt so out of place. Suddenly I was holding conversations in my head that I thought others around me were thinking ... "what's she doing here? she's too big to run. I'm doing the same race as this fat girl? What an insult to a REAL runner." I walked out of the gymnasium, found a corner, turned my back towards the people coming in and out, and I quietly started to cry. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?! I DON'T FIT IN! Suddenly flashbacks to childhood memories of not fitting in, or just not fitting in to clothes in general, flooded my mind and all my hard work meant nothing because my mind was telling me THIS was impossible. But I was reminded at that moment (thank you best friend) that "this is your journey." And it is. It's mine. Some incredibly fit runner who can run 6 minute miles doesn't get to control my journey. I do.
So bring it on - race day. Cold and drizzle rain to start. Honestly, I couldn't have cared less. I felt so calm and ready from the very start all the way through to the moment I crossed the finish line. I was scared that my body and mind wouldn't cooperate with each other come miles 4.5 and on, but it was actually miles 3 and on that I was in a complete zone. I felt great. I wish I could go back to that moment again and bottle up that feeling so I could infuse it in to my veins when I need it in the future. As I neared the stadium to finish and the amount of cheering and spectators grew, I suddenly realized I deserved this moment just as much as the athletically fit woman who finished 40 minutes ago. This was my moment. This is my journey. I had done a 5K a month ago and I remember seeing the finish line and feeling like I couldn't run any faster if my life depended on it. However as I approached the finish of my first 10K, my legs and feet felt like that could have continued to run, that they were floating in clouds.
I will never forget that 1:30:15.6 for as long as I live. To me, it meant progression. It meant fight. It meant courage. It meant love. It meant believing in myself for the first time in a long, long time. It meant standing tall for all my "big-boned" sisters who think they can't do something but they can. It meant standing up to my own fears. It meant realizing my worth. It meant taking the impossible and realizing I AM possible.
And I ask .... what are YOU possible of?
